“I can’t. There are child labor laws, Mom.” Cousin•Power co-hosts Micah Harvey & Elijah Bates have been using this tried and true (and obvious) response since the mid-to-late ’80s… at least, whenever they found themselves faced with this tiresome old argument: “If you want money so bad, then why don’t you go get a job?” And jobs upon jobs they’ve had ever since!

From hokey corn mazes and concrete screw jobs to McDonald’s, movie theaters, pizza parlors and more, the timeline of their pre-career employment awaits. It’s an epic journey of first jobs—one grander than 10 Lord of the Rings!

Along the way, be sure to enjoy some other assorted tall tales and short stories, including:

  • A detailed guide on how to murder your cousin with a creative mix of gummy candies and feathers
  • I’m a Lawyer, Pal: Dealing with foreign scammers posing as IRS agents over the phone (a.k.a. how to lie to a liar)
  • The pitfalls of letting the elderly swindle you into doing all their gardening work for laughable sums of money
  • Why leaving a message about scheduling issues with a server’s younger brother is a not suitable excuse for firing
  • Plus, we throw down some a major props to a dude who’s easily our most die-hard fan!

 

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Itching for the second half of our two-part series on getting f*cked up for the first time? Well, stop freaking out… man. The first ever Cousin•Power sequel picks up right where episode one left off. And this time, hosts Micah Harvey and Elijah Bates focus on all things edible—from leafy greens to muck tales. So relax already and come along for the ride! We promise you won’t feel like this forever…

 

Intro music credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

There’s a first time for everything… and there’s not many moments more memorable than the first time you got f*cked up—unless you forgot, in which case Cousin•Power‘s here to help jog your memory! In the first half of this two-part episode, hosts Micah Harvey and Elijah Bates tell tales of their first times getting tipsy on booze and beyond—in addition to such topics as:

  • The joy of growing up in a small town that the Golden State’s most dangerous mental hospital calls home
  • If you could only eat one meat for the rest of your life, what meat would you eat—pork or fish?
  • Fasting from sugar: it’s boring as hell and totally sucks, but you should probably try it anyways
  • From Coachella to Desert Trip, consider Indio… strike that—those are the only reasons worth visiting
  • Plus, obscure Black Sheep references, Communion hangovers, blacked-out hospital awakenings… and so much more!

 

Intro music credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

When it comes to games, you’re probably kind of like Jon Snow: you know nothing. Lucky for everyone else, Cousin•Power’s got you covered! Come along for more fun than 10 red weddings as hosts Micah Harvey & Elijah Bates profess their love for games of the non-video variety, from childhood TV shows like Legends of the Hidden Temple to dicey college classics like Mexcali. And, of course, Monopoly Deal, a.k.a. Monop Deal, a.k.a. the greatest game… ever. All this goodness and a whole lot more—including:

  • How Ol’ Batesy nearly got catfished (BUT NOT ALL THE WAY!) by a weird dude clearly pretending to be a girl on Facebook
  • Why you should never steal food from a hotel Starbucks grab-n-go counter at the tail end of a blurry Wrestlemania weekend
  • Get Off My Segway: A tale of Micah getting tipsy at an Oakland A’s game before being manhandled by a Segway rider
  • Jenga’s not just a great game; it’s also a semi-natural aphrodisiac and a great plan for first (and sometimes last) dates!
  • Defining Froyo: an argument of layers at self-serve yogurt shops, and who of the hosts deserves credit for inventing said layers
  • Plus, hear the whole story of how Elijah became the final contest to “Come on Down!” on Bob Barker’s last ever episode of The Price Is Right!

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Intro Music Credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

Let’s talk about six, baby! The Salt-N-Pepa of podcasts—who also happen to be men—return in the latest, greatest episode. This time around, Micah and Eli tackle one of their favorite ways to waste time: online video (the non-porn kind).

Follow a brief history of the medium beginning with America’s Funniest Home Videos before devolving into roundhouse tutorials, Turtleman (who Eli purports to love, but can’t even name right), Gangnam Style, Botchamania and beyond—in addition to:

  • Another horrifyingly funny story of the torturer, this one involving Ric Flair’s figure-four leglock, lots of tears and a RUINED a 12th birthday party
  • Why you should never, ever share your Instagram posts or your Tweets on Facebook (unless they’re really, really cool)
  • Grow Up Already: An Essay on Why You Need to Stop Making a Big Deal About Your Birthday (clearly, there’s been a lot of birthdays lately)
  • Plus, memories of eBaum’s World and College Humor, further fun with Nurse Ben, classic mom griping and so much more!

 


 

elijah on last episode of Bob Barker's Price is Right

Intro Music Credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

When it comes to the latest edition of Cousin•Power, we plead the fifth… episode to be the best one yet! After all, there’s nothing more practical than jokes, pranks and hilarious long cons. And Micah and Eli have got plenty to share! So bear with us as we run down our personal favorites from childhood, adulthood and everywhere in between—along with:

  • High school vandalism: more hilarious today than it was yesterday (due to the statute of limitations)
  • A literal whale of a tale about crazy close encounters with persnickety mammals of the Pacific Ocean
  • The insane characters insane parents allow into your family on the road to being thrice divorced
  • Great moments between Dwight and Jim from The Office, and the best prank they never, ever pulled
  • Why some siblings use Cousin•Power for evil… and others (Vanessa) straight up don’t have any at all

 

Electric Shock Bike Prank

The Dudelover License Plate

Dudelover Chain Plate

Maybe the Greatest Rick Roll Ever?

College Newspaper Pranking 101

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The Vanessa Crying Calendar

Vanessa Crying at wedding

No Crying in Baseball

Vanessa crying with ET

Vanessa crying with the Goonies

Vanessa crying in the Shining

Vanessa crying with Justin Bieber

Vanessa crying with Grima Wormtongue

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We need 12 total to complete the calendar of Vanessa tears. As you can see, we’re a few short. If you have any ideas or suggestions, let us know in the comments or on our Facebook or Twitter.

 

Intro Music Credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

Four score and several episodes ago! On the fourth episode of Cousin•Power, hosts Micah Harvey and Elijah Bates explore the ups and downs of Facebook… though, let’s be honest: they’re mostly downs when you’ve got a family of followers who doesn’t understand social etiquette. Come along for a tale you probably live on the daily, maybe even more so than us—along with such fun topics as:

  • What If You’ve Been Mentally Challenged All These Years And Everyone’s Been Truman Show-ing You into Thinking You’re Not?
  • Running from the Bums of West LA Before Being Walter Donavan-ed Beneath the Santa Monica Pier—Indy 3-Style
  • The Benefits of Having Friends Who Aren’t #PoorAF (And They Are Money… Er, Many)
  • Carnies and Carnival Cruises: Like Two Peas in a Pod, Floating Over the Ocean Like a Wal-Mart on the Water
  • The Greatest “Please, Please, Please Go Out with Me!” Plea to Never Ever Be Followed Up On
  • In Addition, Be on the Lookout for Legendary Breakups, When (and When Not) to FaceTime, the Similarity Between Forwarded Emails and Wonka’s Contract… And Much, Much More!

Flash Back to Another Time with Doc Brown

Facebook Newsfeed or Sponsored Content?

Intro Music Credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

The third time’s the charm for the kings of Cousin•Power as Micah and Eli take on the great and powerful Netflix—from the return of Arrested Development to the end of rewind fees once and for all! Come along for a wild ride while they meander the media behemoth’s rise, with stops along the way such as:

  • Why Being the First Of Your Friends to Send a NSFW Magic-Eye-Pic Craiglist Link Is Crucial
  • How Not Being a Crybaby in Youth Group Turns You into a Villain (Unless You’re the Exchange Student)
  • The Slingshot… Because It Never, Ever Gets Old
  • Garbage Pail Cousins: The Ones You Love to Avoid Like the Plague—in Real Life AND Social Media
  • The Downside of Streaming: Tales of DVD Collecting and the Death of the Video Store
  • Plus, hear about the Wolfman of Round Table Pizza, the great Sun-In Blunder of ’97 and more!

 

The Kazoo Kid

Getting His Remix On

One of the Best DVD’s of All-Time

Ron Burgundy Has a Book?

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Intro music credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

How does it feel to be the first person to die on a roller coaster? Find out for yourself as Micah and Eli freefall into conversation on Six Flags Magic Mountain, a.k.a. the greatest roller coaster park ever (sorry-not-sorry, Cedar Point). Follow along for all the loops and drops you can handle—including:

  • The Final Showdown with a Galaxy Far, Far Away in the Shakiest Theater in the West
  • Cords: The Wearable, The Terrible and The Ones Teetering on the Edge of Extinction
  • Virtual Reality Roller Coasters… ‘Nuff Said
  • Victims of the Slingshot: Why People Pass Out on This “Coaster” Again and Again… and Again
  • Plus, catch Slugworth, Nic Cage, John Travolta and so much more!

 

Roller Coaster in Space!?

Hulk Mod on Grand Theft Auto 5

Who Could Trust These Taco Bell Batman Commercials?

Watch this Kid Pass Out On the Slingshot 3 Times… or Maybe 4

Game to play with friends: Who’s gonna pass out first?

Intro music credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380

What happens when two cousins come together to co-pilot their very own podcast for first time? A horrifying, fiery plane crash ensues… albeit, a highly entertaining one! Don’t miss out on all the inaugural madness as they set the crazy train free for more than 30 minutes—and cover such topics as:

  • The Origins of Cousin•Power: Where It Comes from, Who Has It and, More Importantly, Who Doesn’t
  • Why Those Green Dudes from The Phantom Menace Are Some of the Series’ Best Characters
  • The Trouble with Travel or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Surf Trip
  • Breaking Down on Nicaraguan Roadsides and Flights from Hell Out of El Salvador
  • Plus, We Tell You How to Give Us Your (Free) DVDs… and Much, Much More!

 

Convert DVDs and Blu Rays to digital

Intro music credit: Eerkoysh key by Gnagno (c) 2013 Licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license. http://dig.ccmixter.org/files/Gnagno/44380